dustontoddblog

above are some polaroid tests i just shot of my daughter ava this morning. yup, Polaroid 669, still have me some boxes of that lovely stuff. us film shooters don’t have the luxury of instant gratification of seeing an image appear on an LCD screen…instead we have to wait an entire minute for the no-longer-in-production-polaroid to develop – definitely comes at a cost.
why was i doing tests? i wasn’t testing the polaroid film, but rather my lens and camera. and here’s how things became my ironic tragedy…
recently i was in DC shooting a wedding and the day after i zipped over to the DC Mall to tour the historic sites….(on a side note: it was recommended that i rent a bike to see the sites. i was able to score me a female-powder-blue-beach-cruiser bike and i toured everything i wanted to within the only 4 hours of free time i had. – by far one of the funnest days of my life. so glad i didn’t walk everything, my feet felt bruised from the all-dayer i shot the day previous and the cruiser’s cushioney-cushion seat, the wind blowing through my coarse beard hair, and cruising in between the sidewalkers – all felt like god’s smile was upon me. if you’re interested in checking into getting a bike while in DC for your visit look them up at bikethesites.com. seriously, it turned what could be an exhaustive experience into a literal fun breeze.)…anyways, back to my “tragedy”….i hit all the sites and the last on my list was the National Gallery of Art. as i had toured through a mere glimpse of what the museum had to offer (saw me some Rembrandt, Vermeer, DaVinci, Matisse, Cezanne, Monet, Van Gogh, and Picasso)…it was at the last piece of my tour when tragedy struck. i just happened to be observing Picasso’s “the tragedy”, poised with my camera in hand and eye piece to my eye to take a pic, the crowd bumped me and i accidentaly threw a misfire exposure. doesn’t sound too bad right? well, somewhere in the jumbled mess of crowd and me with camera i realized my camera was now jammed. the lens wouldn’t allow me to see anything through the viewfinder, i couldn’t remove my lens from the camera body, and i couldn’t advance my film, the gears were jammed. yes, a tragedy with my camera had just occurred in front of “the tragedy”.

i wasn’t too upset, knowing that this is considered a “jam”, knowing that it’s fixable, and plus it happened on my own off time. i returned home to look up online how to fix the jamming of my Hasselblad 501cm. with some helpful links here and here i was able to get the literal nuts and bolts working again. HA! try that digital world, if your camera goes out you are hosed. thats one HUGE reason i love shooting with such a simple and mechanical camera, no electronics to master, no batteries to have to replace, straight up light going through a lens and into a box where your film sits (just remember to always carry a small screwdriver where ever you go).
and by the looks of the polaroids above, you can confirm that i got my camera and lens to be in good working shape again…and so the personalities of my daughter caught on film can continue. on with the smiles! down with the tragedy!

more of my DC trip to come later.

nothing can lift your spirits better than the wild imagination of a child. “dancing hamburger” drawn by my 6 yr old Lana.

our sweet lil’wieners passed away on the vet’s table this morning. you were a wonderful part of our family, our lives, and will always be in our hearts. may you rest in peace. we love and already miss you faith.

i in no way had any influence in the character you see above. i asked if i could take a couple pictures of him, he got excited and scurried over to his white van and whipped out his animal skin hat. the expressions that followed were 100% genuine – 100% him. after catching about every third sentence he had to say, i politely asked if i could take one serious portrait (the last of the series).
meeting incredible people in incredible places…this is what road trippin in america is all about.

…and this concludes my tour of Bannack Montana.

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this is my return to Bannack Montana after almost a decade…only this time i had some incredible models to bring along with me.

and as in uffish thought he stood,
the buffalo, with eyes of flame,
came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
and burbled as it came!

yes, no camera trickery here. that-there would be a buffalo in our camp and me shooting with my 80mm fixed lens. we were preparing dinner and were suddenly alarmed by a large dark mass moving a tree next to our table…sure enough homeboy was a buffalo.
as you can see i scrambled to grab my camera and steal away a few pics of natures entertainment, but clearly i made sure the kids, family, and i stayed behind very large pieces of furniture (picnic tables and cars.)
he walked in, through, and out of our camp like he owns the place…i’m convinced he does.

lulu before

lulu after her lionheart transformation

we recently went out of town to yellowstone, and coincidentally ran into owners of another golden retriever who accompanied them at old faithful. at first glance i thought their dog had some funky hair disease, but as we approached them (and as it is impossible for my kids to pass a dog without petting it), we soon learned the couple had shaved/trimmed their dog’s heavy coat. the cool thing, it wasn’t just an all over trim but they intentionally left a racer stripe along it’s back. i didn’t know this, but it is quite a common practice for the heavy coat dogs to be trimmed down during the summer heat. this excited me and i was immediately inspired “i am sooo giving my dog a lion’s mane!!!”
we, on the other hand, had left our lovely lulu at home with my cousin. when we picked her up after our trip she was excited to greet us but something didn’t seem quite right, she was so tired and drooling like a raving mad man. my wife looked up on the internet (that information super highway is a mighty thing) and learned that it could very easily be a sign of heat exhaustion. our dog is mostly an indoor dog, but while we were away she was mostly outside in triple digit heat….the lion’s mane soon followed as a result of necessity and not just for my amusement. long live lulu the lionheart!!!

my wife and i and our two lil’ monkeys will be out causing some mischief from the 21-25th.
- more blogging to come afterwards!

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it is my hope that if you missed the exhibit that this video can give you some key insight into how the final prints were presented.
this video was shot by friend and fellow photog Matt McDaniel (many thanks Matt!!!)
and if needed, you can visit the original post to my blog that shares the story and 15 images that make up my death portraits here.

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sharing a personal story and subject matter of this nature subjected myself to public criticism and my true vulnerable self was fully exposed – but what could i gain by not sharing what i felt in my heart? what benefit would i receive from harboring these experiences and bringing them to my own death bed never to share?
this life we live is meant to be *lived*. it is meant to be experienced. to be embraced. to be shared. to be true, to the fullest. to have no regrets. to open up and express and grow. in truth, i am surprised by the feedback from many that have thanked me for being so open…that they wouldn’t dare to do so. this is what i say to you….do it… you have a story. you have a heart….do it…be real. be honest. be sincere. grow. learn. appreciate. love….just think what would happen to our world and society if we listened to the voice that says “i can” rather than “i can’t”. think of the sitting potential in peoples hands and what could be done with it. think of how much of it is never shared and stays hidden never to receive it’s light. be brave. be honest. be true….be you.

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the following are personal emails that i have received from others, and with their permission i am sharing their comments with you. **i do not share these comments for my own glory box, but rather it is shared in hopes that it becomes a source of shared encouragement and inspiration for you.**

“This morning I completely understood the touch, sight, and hollowness of words expressed only through pain, of the death you described in the publication you provided about your late mother. Last night/this morning I woke to a frantic call form my mother telling me my best friend and youngest brother of which I have done my best to protect from the evils of society of which I have experienced in the past to my fullest, that he went to sleep and never woke up… I rushed to the hospital.
———–defining emotion is near to impossible right now——
With loving touch, I stroked his skin. Caressed his beautiful face, kissed his cold forehead, and forced myself to say goodbye. MY GOD!
After wiping the tears from everything, the simple word “love you” excreted from my lips.
All the questions of should I’ve done more, or should I’ve done less, Have been con-jumbled into one big ball of knotted yarn that will take years to unravel, if ever unraveled at all.
Tonight I remembered your art show. Resolve holds no merit when avoidance guides your vessel.
Who knows…. At this point it’s all a big balled up knot of yarn.”

“Duston, the exhibit was amazing.. very thought provoking indeed. It touched my soul, thank you….”

“at first when I heard about the title of your project I was a bit disturbed. After reading your blog however, I was emotionally touched. The tragedy and horror of your experience in the hospital left a dark hole in your life at such a young age. The photos are beautiful and I think your mother would be proud of the artist you are, the man that you have become and for the bravery you exhibited in doing this project. ”

“words cannot express the awe I felt as I read your story and looked through your art. Breathtaking. I had no idea about your mother. I am so sorry for that. You write very beautifully. Your pictures are more than words can say. I feel bad I couldn’t make it that night. Thank you for sending the pictures and story. Beautiful.”

“The exhibit was amazing, I love what you captured. I think it was a very profound experience for you to go through and perhaps learned a few things along the way. As with any personal project, I guess we are always looking to learn more about ourselves in our quest. Right? As always you inspire me to conquer my own personal projects, thanks Duston!!”

“I just wanted to send you a note on how much I appreciate that there are photographers like you out there. I am about to go into my second year of studying photography, and when I see work like yours it makes so much sense.
Coming from a background in design, I always felt it too impersonal. Your exhibition has inspired me to keep on going with my photography, pursue some topics that I didn’t have a clue how to tackle and allow myself to make beautiful photographs that go beyond what is expected. I am so glad you posted it on your blog and had the generosity to share such a personal project….
Congratulations Mr. Todd, much respect to you and your beautiful, meaningful, inspiring work. ”

“Thank you so much for posting to your blog. I read the story behind your project and just had my breath taken away. Every person deals with death so differently and to hear how honest and raw your reaction was and how you shared that with everyone took such guts. I really admire the reason you pushed yourself so outside the box for this personal project. I hope there was some healing, forgiveness and closure through your creation of such wonderful and haunting art.
My baby boy died almost 7 years ago and I held him as we took him off life support. I shoot for a group called NILMDTS (now i lay me down to sleep). It’s an infant/child bereavement photography service, maybe you have heard of it? Anyway….. at the time of his birth and death I didn’t want any photos of my son and thankfully a nurse talked me into taking a few. I started shooting for friends/family that knew someone who had lost a baby just because my experience and talent were unique. Then I stumbled upon the NILMDTS website. Long story short, shooting these sessions of babies that have already died, are on life support or knowingly going to die soon is my ‘personal project’. I just wanted to share with you that I loved your project and it hit home just because of the death theme, plus, your story moved me. Thank you for having the courage to share your reaction to your mom’s death.”

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i sincerely thank those that have opened their heart and have expressed what you have…i have grown because of you and i now understand better the purpose of this journey.
this is what art is all about.
and now it is your turn.

i am sixteen and i felt death.
walking into the hospital room, engulfed by confusion, fear, and loss. i see my grandmother standing by my mother’s bedside. i find a comfortable spot with my back against the wall opposite of the bed. i am numb. my grandmother is talking of nothing, words are spilling out and sinking into the floor, never reaching my ears. and yet my eyes remained fixed on my grandmother’s hand – holding my mother’s as she continues to caress and stroke my mother’s forearm in search of her own comfort.
it is in this observation that an impression comes upon me that perhaps i should also touch my mother. that i, being her only child, should also show my affection and peel myself away from the cold wall. i approach my mother’s bedside, reach forth my hand and try to mimic my grandmother’s loving touch. my hand meets my mother’s upper arm and it’s jolted by a cold shock. i retract my hand.
my mother is gone.
a cold lifeless body and shell is all that remains.
i have witnessed the harsh reality of the absence of her spirit.
death is now very much in the room. death is everywhere.
and i felt it, physically felt it.
and how could my grandmother continue to hold her hand and caress her arm?
does she not feel what i felt?
and i slowly back away to find my place of comfort against the wall opposite the bed of my mother. and words continue to fall and sink into the linoleum, running about my feet and teasing me. perhaps all this is a joke.
and i am her only child.
and this is how i show my affection?
and i stay against the wall.
cold.
motionless.
confused.
numb.
i am sixteen and i felt death.

by no means did i intend to revisit this poignant memory in my life.
“death portraits” began as nothing more than a question which grew into a study. an observation of the relationship of the body and soul and what is communicated in a portrait. little did i know that this question was scratching the surface of something all too familiar. something buried deep within. as i started to unwrap the layers of this personal fabric, more and more of my vulnerable self was exposed. I knew no matter how dark and personal, this journey i needed to travel. to revisit my sixteen year old self as an adult and let my story take flight through my art.

my goal in this project was to photograph a soulless portrait. to take the living and remove that vital element we call life – the element that gives shape, voice, and wings to an individual. to study the hollow eyes and see what is communicated. to allow gravity to have utmost control of the human body, the face, the limbs, the breath, and see what it molds and creates. perhaps these portraits are unflattering, but there is truth. a different window to the soul is examined, through gesture and humility, as the masks have been removed. call it morbid, call it art, call it what you will, but in any case i have become the biggest benefactor to the project and i owe my subjects and assistants a great deal of my gratitude for the journey they have provided of self discovery and healing.

i tribute this project to my mother. there are exactly fifteen portraits to represent the fifteen years since she has passed away.
i live and breathe because of her. i have a voice because of her. i have a family i dearly love because of her…i am…because of her. i thank her for her sacrifices and eternal love that she has blessed and continues to bless me and my family with each day. may godspeed and until we meet again.
with all that i am, your son, duston.

thank you to all my models that participated in this project: josh, justin, john, scott, thomas, matt, kip, turtle, toby, joel, jonas, spencer, jay, randy, and jesse.
and my assistants: karlie, michelle, tiffany, sam, and whit.
without your help none of this would have been possible.
and lastly, again i want to thank all those that came to the show, as well as the many that weren’t able to come but would have. your support and company is very much appreciated.
a very sincere heartfelt thank you to you all…

if you want an idea of what the exhibit looked like, my friend and fellow photog rob d shot some great photos of my studio which offer some great insight to how the prints were displayed.
visit his blog here.

video of the event to come.

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this is what it is all about. this is my absolute joy. and i owe all my gratitude to her and god.
happy mothers day kate.

my kids. alanna 6 years and ava 2 1/2 years.

anyone up for doing a portrait session at the local state fair?
i only have the next 3 days open (16-18th) if you want to make it happen.
this place is dripping with character.

running away from the norm, running backwards and grasping what shouldn’t be forgotten, holding on to timeless beauty and nestling into nostalgia…i have recently added an 8mm camera as part of my photo-artillery.
(bare with me as i don’t know how to add a youtube video on my blog, but by clicking on the link above it will take you to the video shown on youtube…and any “know hows” of posting videos to blog would be great.)

this particular film was shot in one day. all filmed in sequence, and is uncut. holding true to the purity of that lovely stuff called…film.